


A Comedian in a Box

by Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, Gen, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-07
Updated: 2015-11-11
Packaged: 2018-01-07 22:26:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1125117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw/pseuds/Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of short, humorous fics verging on jokes. Each chapter is a completed work.</p>
<p>Note: Only Chapter 6 has some brief mature elements; everything else is pretty PG.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Doctor and the TARDIS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during "School Reunion." Nothing terribly spoilery.

“What do you think, Sarah Jane? Will our Doctor ever get married?”

  
“I don't know that he's the type. Always rushing around from place to place, always a new face on board—and usually his.”

  
“I'm right here, you know,” he muttered, barely minding, as he fiddled with K-9's innards.

  
“I remember when I met my new Doctor for the first time...I had a hard time believing it was him. New looks, new personality...Can't be too many girls who'd be comfortable settling down with someone like that.” Except me, Rose left unsaid.

  
“Still, the universe is a vast place...far bigger than I had imagined 40 years ago. And he is handsome, and smart, and brave. Surely there's someone who would put up with his faults.”

  
“And they are many,” he added.

  
“For one thing, she'd have to settle for second best,” Rose said with a laugh.

  
“Not getting possessive, are you?” he teased.

  
“Not me, you toff! The TARDIS! You two are like an old married couple.”

  
He blushed, and swore as he burnt his fingers. “You, erm, don't think it's weird, do you? We just sort of stole off with each other one day...”

  
“No, I think it's kind of sweet.”

  
“I'm definitely in favor of it,” Sarah Jane added. “In fact, I can't think of a more perfect couple in all of history.”

  
“What can I say?” The Doctor asked as he soniced away. “Best 'ship in the universe.”


	2. Dining with Monsters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during "Boom Town," title taken from an alternate title considered for that episode.

“This meal is dreadful,” the last of the Time Lords noted, and flagged a waiter.

“Even so, you've no right to complain,” Blon said with a grin.

“What do you mean? The steak is stringy, dry, and over-cooked, and the chips are cold. Waiter!” he called.

“Still, it's just what the Doctor ordered.”


	3. My Other Car is a TARDIS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during The Impossible Astronaut, but no major spoilers for that episode.

“Amelia Pond! Rory the Roman!” the Doctor exclaimed from his perch atop a cherry-red automobile.

“Doctor!” they called in response, and the three friends embraced.

“Hang on, Doctor,” Amy said, once she had gotten a better look at the car, “Is that a Citroen?”

“What of it? Citroens are cool.”

“I think she just means it would have been easier to have gotten a Ford or a Chevy, not something imported,” Rory explained.

“Not imported?” the Doctor raised a non-existent eyebrow at the Ponds. “You know, in over 900 years, I've never had a car that wasn't imported.”


	4. Mostly Kissing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during "The Power of Three." Implied future funny business at the end, but nothing in the fic. Bumped the rating up just to be safe.

“Doctor,” Rory began hesitantly. He and Amy and the Time Lord were sitting on the couch with the program gone to break. “When you decided to stay with us to watch the cubes, you thought it would be mostly kissing, right?”

“That is what I thought, yes. Can't say I wasn't a bit surprised, honestly.”

“And you were alright with that,” Rory prodded. 

“I, erm. Well.” The Doctor stopped, flustered. “Not really sure how to answer that one without sounding like I've been angling for a threesome.”

“Well, Doctor, that only leaves us with one possible interpretation.” Amy's voice was sultry as she and Rory turned towards him in unison.

“Ponds!”


	5. Drinks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set sometime after "A Good Man Goes to War," but no spoilers.

Jack met Vastra, Jenny, and Strax soon after his finicky vortex manipulator landed him in Victorian England, chasing an alien fugitive through smoky streets. He was impressed by their swordsmanship; they were intrigued by his ability to get back up after catching a disruptor pulse with his chest. They invited him back to Paternoster Row for breakfast (as it was now quite early in the morning) and he graciously accepted. 

“So, Madame Vastra,” Jack said, leaning in, “Can I buy you a coffee at some point?”

“Oh, Captain, I'm afraid I like my coffee like I like my men.”

“Strong? Dark? Sweet? Sumatran? Can't quite manage that last one, but I'm usually good for the first three. Hopefully not Turkish,” he added, wincing at the thought of Strax with the beautiful Vastra.

“What Madame means to say, sir—If I may interrupt, Madame,” the Silurian nodded and Jenny set down a tray with two cups and a pot on it. “Madame prefers tea. Honey and lemon for you, Madame. And for you, Captain?”


	6. Empiricism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Eleventh Doctor, River, and Clara in bed, but mostly a dreadful pun.

Clara, on her hands and knees, nestles warmly between River's thighs. “So it's true that Time Lords have libidos after all?” she asks the Doctor, looking coyly over her shoulder.

“Oh no...” River begins to groan even before the Doctor starts speaking; whether out of Gallifreyan precognition or wifely intuition is anyone's guess.

“Well, Clara, I think the question is open,” he begins, smirking playfully as he guides his erection into her. “But the evidence is certainly mounting.”


	7. A Vision Softly Creeping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How might the Silence fare against the Eighth Doctor?

Her head swims as she regains consciousness, hands and feet shackled. She snarls as she recognizes a horridly familiar face. “Doctor,” she spits. 

“Madame Kovarian,” he replies easily. “So good of you to join me.” He stands and stretches as if to mock her. “To what do I owe the honor?” She remains silent. This early in his time-stream, she doesn't have any goal so noble as preventing the resumption of the Time War: just revenge. He shrugs. “Fine, don't say anything. But there's nobody coming to help you.”

“But...” she splutters.

“Your minions?” He raises an eyebrow. “Not really that difficult, honestly.”

“But their intelligence?” The Doctor taps the side of his head. “The electricity?” He waggles the sonic screwdriver at her. “The ability to make you forget them once you look away?”

He snorts. “If I let a bit of forgetfulness stop me, I'd never get anything done in this face.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The joke, of course, is that the Eighth Doctor apparently was constantly losing his memory. Sadly, I'm not as familiar with him as I probably should be, but this fic is mostly for the punchline, so I hope you can forgive the likely poor characterization for both. 
> 
> Chapter title taken from Simon & Garfunkel's The Sound of Silence.


	8. Sharing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy anniversary, you two.

"So I was thinking," the Doctor begins, almost carelessly, as if all of his attention isn't on River Song. "Since we are--" his voice drops to a hush as he checks to make sure the Ponds have run away, "--married."

"Yes?" River's honeyed voice makes him sweat and twist. He has to count all of her fluttering eyelashes before he can form a coherent thought, which doesn't stop him from trying.

"I was wondering if you'd like to share a bed," he splutters all at once, and she kisses him because she can't help it when he's being this adorable, which _doesn't help matters, River,_ he thinks, heart rates careening all over the charts. 

"Sweetie!" she cries, and her wickedly gleaming eyes let him know that she accepts. "I didn't think you'd be this forward yet," she adds as he leads her, childlike in his glee (which should have been her first clue) to a bedroom.

"Well?" he asks hopefully, grin bright.

River just puts her face in her hands at the sight of the bunk bed her husband wants them to share.


	9. Rory Pun'd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pond family fluff with jokes. Because there may never be enough Pond family fluff in this universe.

Rory hums quietly to himself as he plods about the house they're staying in until the really wizard planetary alignment the Doctor has gotten them there three days too early for, well, aligns. Turns out it was just as well they had arrived with time to spare; alien invasion and all that. As he snatches up the Kindle, he hears a cry of despair. Doctor? He wonders, and nonchalantly sticks his head into the living room, which is where the others have congregated. There's the Doctor, playing on the Wii with himself (from seven hours in the future) and losing. There's a very young River, staring at her laptop, doing research for her dissertation. 

He smiles comfortably and plunks down next to Amy, iPad propped up on her lap. “Heh,” he says quietly.

“Mm?” Amy asks, pausing next year's season of Game of Thrones and pulling out an earbud.

“Just noticing that what happens when we're left to our own devices is apparently just that,” he observes in a practiced deadpan. Amy just groans and none of the others appear to have overheard them. Rory merely smiles and settles back into the companionable silence. 

_I heard that,_ thinks the TARDIS directly into his head.


End file.
